Friends

So, tomorrow is Scott's last day preaching at New Life Baptist Church. I'm not sure entirely how I feel about that. While moving onto this next phase of life is exciting, it also means some dreams of a different future have to die (but that is a topic for another blog and even though Scott's last day is tomorrow, mine isn't until the end of the month!) So, the thing that is on my mind tonight is what I mentioned in my last blog and that is this: Should pastors and their wives make friends in the church? I think this is a topic that is of interest to most PWs. One reader sent an email about it when she heard I was going to talk about it. She said she had always been advided by other PWs that it isn't wise to be friends with people in her church and I've heard that a lot. Personally, I don't buy it. I think you have to have friends in the congregation, but I think there also have to be some boundaries. So, here is what I think of pastors and their wives making friends with churchmembers.

To be honest, I'm not sure how you can avoid making friends in a church. It's almost sort of bound to happen. When you become the pastor and family at a church, you're often in a new place. Church is gong to be one of the main places you begin meeting people. If you work, you have that, but the church is your husband's work, so obviously that is where he's going to meet most people. You're together for so much, from Sunday school and VBS to mission trips and special events. You just spend time with your church members. As you do, it's only normal that you are going to make friends with some. And children often bring you together. Your children become friends so you start hanging out and spending more time together outside of church. Or maybe it's someone older in the church who you admire and trust and you begin to form a bond.

I'm so glad I've had friends in churches. They make the good times more fun and the bad times a bit more bearable.

Now, here is what you have to watch out for. One thing, just because you are friends with a certain person or people, you can't just hang out with them. As the pastor and the PW, you need to be "friends" with everyone. You can't just stick with one group and ignore everyone else. Second thing, you have to watch out for people who want to be your close friend just because you are the PW. I've never had that happen, but it can be dangerous if someone befriends you just to use you or get dirt on you. So you do have to be careful. Don't just rush into a church and buddy up with the first person who shows you any attention. Proceed with caution. And that leads to one of the biggest....you really can't always tell even your closest friend in the congregation everything. You have to have some boundaries.

A couple of examples. When things were really bad at our second church (which ended up splitting) I had a couple of pretty good friends in the church. They knew things weren't good and while I would admit that to them, I never went into the details or talked about any specific people. And when Scott was going through various times of considering doing something else with his life, I didn't share that with my church friends. And toward the end, when he was really getting serious about going back into teaching, it began to get hard to not share that with friends. But some things a PW just has to keep to herself, at least for a while.

Now, there are execptions to every rule. If you can't keep your mouth shut and tend to share too much info on a regular basis, you might need to think twice before becoming close friends with church members. And if you have been in a church for years and have really close friends, you may be able to tell them everything. Trust is build over years.

And on the topic of friends, it is fabulous if you have a really good friend who is not in your church. I am blessed to have two very dear friends from before I was even married. They've never gone to a church where we've served and don't even live in the same towns, and I can tell them anything. I can let them know what's really going on and how I feel and when I am hurt and afraid and angry and doubting and all those things that we have to put aside sometimes. Having those two old friends is huge.

And you know, having other PWs to talk to is great as well. We can understand each other like no one else. And we understand how important it is to take what we hear and lock it away.

So, PWs, go out there and make friends. Make lots of casual friends that you enjoy being with and doing things with, and then, if it works out, make a few closer friends over time. If you're lucky, you'll keep those friends for a lifetime, whether you stay at one church or move on.

 0 Comments posted by: Pam Cassady on June 5th, 2010